Testing My Limits

Last night during dinner I spilled some food on my lap, causing me to say, “fucking hell already.” My husband used that opportunity to mention how I need to be a little more aware of my potty mouth now that our daughter is learning how to talk. I couldn’t argue with that, especially because he said it such a non-judgemental and rational way. So, I made the promise to try to clean up my act. As with just about everything in life, the minute you put something out there into the universe, you are immediately tested.

Later that night, after the dishes were done, the kid was bathed and in bed, I finally sat down to have “my time.” I poured a glass of wine (after all, it was a weekend night) and sat in front of my computer, all ready to catch up on my blog roll. So, as I started to type a comment on Crankmama’s latest post, one of my clumsy octopus arms swung out of control and knocked the glass of wine all over my laptop. My company’s laptop, I might add.

“Fudgebar!” 

I ran and grabbed a paper towel and started sopping up the mess. After diligently cleaning it up, blowing on the keyboard for a few minutes, I sat back down to make my comment.  Well, if you ever had your electricity go out in your house, then you will probably understand how the next half hour of my night proceeded to go. As with a blackout, you don’t realize just how royally disadvantaged you are until you try to make a phone call, nuke a meal, or do just about anything other than sleep.

It was deceiving at first, because my mouse was working just fine. Then, I started to type my comment. Nothing happened. Then strange letters started to appear. Then my cursor jumped into some unknown computer matter void, never to be found again.  That’s when I started to lose it.

“What the flaming inferno? Oh, no. Please don’t tell me my keyboard is totally compromised!  Ok. I can handle this. Take it easy, take it easy, it’s just a matter of time before the keyboard dried out. No problemo. I can wait to make my comments. In the meantime, I’ll just check my bank statement, which was actually an action item on my to-do list for tonight.”

- Click on favorites, click on bank home page, page loads, click on the login box, type in my username…

“Gosh dang it!  Ok, calm down. Never mind the statement, that too can wait. I know! I can go read about what happened on Grey’s Anatomy last night.”

- Click on favorites, scroll through favorites…

“Saddle me sideways! No bookmark for TV Without Pity! Okay, fine. I’ll just google it.”

- Click on favorites, click on Google home page, click in search box, type in…

“Capital A !!!!!!!!!!! Sweet Scottish bagpipes is there anything I CAN do without a freezer burned keyboard? Mother of pearl! OKay. Just relax. Take it easy. Maybe the keyboard just got out of whack. Try to reboot.”

- Click on Run, click on Shut Down, click on Restart, PC shuts down, PC comes back up, press CTR+ALT+DELETE….

“Rats in a city sewer !!!!!!!!!! Now I can’t even log in! Ok. OK. OOOOOKaaaaaaaayyyyyy. Maybe if I shut down completely, that’ll firehouse do it already. Ugh! Please, please God, give me a flipping flapjacks break!” 

- Unplug the laptop, pull out the battery, wait two minutes, put the battery back in, press the power button…the power button on the keyboard…

“SHOOT! SHOOT! Shoot it to the blazing moon SHOOT! Now it’s completely, utterly, frolick on friday dead! Mother of monday, please tell me this isn’t happening to me? Not over the succotash weekend! How the weeping willow am I gonna survive? I hate my life. I hate my lollipop licking life!”

“FIDDLE STICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

********

That was last night. I was surely being tested, and I am fairly certain I flunked it big time. I am now living with the karmic punishment handed down to me. I am stuck sitting in my basement, tapping away on our family PC while my laptop sits on the kitchen table upstairs in a permanent state of rest. I apologize ahead of time for my lack of comments this weekend. But I can only stand to be trapped down here for so long before I have visions of slitting my wrists with a pencil. I hope to be back in the swing of things come Monday, when I get back into work and casually explain to them how my daughter knocked over my coffee cup and it spilled all over the keyboard. I’m sure they will understand.

Comments

[Oh, The Joys]

I tend to scream, "MARSCAPONE!"

[slackermommy]

Sorry about your keyboard problem but I must admit I really enjoyed this post. Very funny! I also cuss like a sailor.

[The Zero Boss]

Just FYI, most of us parents have given up watching our mouths. We swear like sailors, and teach our kids language hypocrisy as they get older. ("There are some words only mommies and daddies can say...")

Hilairous post, though. :)

[Momish]

Zero Boss: My friend tells her four year old son that they are "at home words." I plan on stealing that for when Piper gets older, cause you know I won't be able to stop myself.

Glad to hear there are other potty mouths out there!

[jen]

fuckers and hell. it just sounds better that way. she'll understand when she gets older...it's just that nothing else sums it up quite as well.

[mad muthas]

ahhh - creative cursing! i like it! i like it vair vair much! maybe the old remedy of removing red wine stains by chucking white wine on them would not be the thing in this situation???

[cinnamon gurl]

Ok, I think you might have sold me on the not swearing thing, just for all the fun you had coming up with alternatives, and all the fun I had reading them.

My take on swearing with children:

http://writeabouthere.blogspot.com/2006/10/in-praise-of-blue-language.html

[Kristen]

That was hilarious! Very creative replacements... I would have given up within two "fiddlesticks," I think.

[Kristi]

They may believe you until they open the laptop up to find red sludge instead of chocolate.

All those "bad words" were perfect alternatives.. I think I'll try using some the next time I feel the urge.

Congrats on the ROFL!