Lolly, Lolly, Lolly get your adverbs here… because apparently they are absolutely free!

I have been seeing this offensive piece of bullshit crap advertising trend a lot lately. It’s annoying as all hell and has just got to stop, I tell you. Must stop!

Not that this is incorrect or inconsistent, mind you. No, that is not the beef I have pick today. No, this particular rant is about mishandling adverbs. Especially absolute adverbs like absolutely. Free is an absolute, people! Saying ‘absolutely free’ is both redundant and rather confusing. I just don’t quite get the gist of something being absolutely free. AS OPPOSED TO WHAT, PREY TELL? Somewhat free? Partly free? Mostly free? There are no degrees of free in the free world. It either costs you a pretty penny or not a cent at all. You are either behind bars or out hooking up in bars. It’s either free of harmful chemicals or it’ll kill ya. This is not a word that can be used in wishy-washy, measured ways.

(inhale pink, exhale blue)

Personally, the careless disregard for the proper usage of the English Language gets my goat, I admit that. But, it can also create confusion, eventually leading to complete chaos and the destruction of the universe as we know it today. And, it is this concern for the human race that makes me even bring this up at all. Naturally, I would put my own personal angst aside and not trouble you if this wasn’t such a serious matter. Should people continue to go around paying no attention to the structure and inherent rules of language, then communication will simply break down. Like I say, we're not in the business of just making sentences here, slapping together a bunch of nouns, predicates and adverbs for shits and giggles. This is serious business constructing coherant thoughts that actually convey something…hopefully something meaningful and representative of our reality. “Absolutely free” does not fit into this category. It is sentence making at its best. So, for the love of the free word world, can we please stop abusing perfectly innocent adverbs already? ‘Nuff said. Rant over. Go stretch your sore bums!