Go read this post by Slacker-Moms-R-Us, "Beware of This Scam".  Then come back here. I'll wait. Go ahead and read it. It's important.

Hmmm, da de da, hmmm, dum de da.  All done?  You read it?  Ok, good. 

Now you can understand how come I am recommending that post for the ROFL (rolling on the floor laughing) award, being hosted by Mommy Off The Record.  Since I love to laugh and enjoy reading really funny posts that other bloggers write (after a while you get tired of laughing at yourself), I just have to participate in this.  For the month of September, I will be nominating Slacker-Momms-R-Us for that post.  It was tough to actually pick just one, since she makes me laugh so often. But, that one got me good. I had to peel myself off the floor and my stomach still hurts. How bout you?

You know how you have those little rituals that you do to relax and kick back, just for you and you alone? Well, one of mine has always been to read the Sunday paper.  It's my "quiet time".  I get to catch up on all the latest news, read the in depth special interest articles (the Philadelphia Inquirer is one of the best newspapers in the country), clip my coupons, then finally do the crossword puzzles (in pencil, since I haven't reached the ink level yet).  I love the crossword puzzles, especially the New Times one. 

This has been my ritual since I was in high school. Naturally, for the past year I have been challenged. I don't always have the several hours to set aside Sunday night, even if I remain awake long enough. So, I may read the paper and do the puzzles on Monday or Tuesday or whenever. As a result, I have somehow managed to warp my relaxation ritual into a measurement of my time management skills. If I can get through the paper by Tuesday, I feel I am doing pretty good. As you can imagine, by last night I was feeling pretty damn shitty about myself.

It was Thursday and I still hadn't even read the front page! All week, I could imagine my crosswords feeling crushed under the weight of all that news with their tantalizing cryptic codes begging to be cracked. I felt trapped in a foggy nightmare where I kept trying to rescue them, but they were always just out of reach. They were calling for me desperately, and I couldn't save them from their blankness. I would hear those anxious white squares begging to be filled in with neatly written tiny letters, rendered by my crisp 0.5mm lead pencil. They were screaming, "Solve us, solve us! Hurry before the big bad answer keys come in next week's paper."  I knew the time is running out for my faithful friends, but I was too entangled within my hectic mommy life with no time management tools to break free.

But fear not!!!! (spoiler alert: everything worked out in the end) Last night, I put on my MacGuyver hat and saved the day! I came up with a doozie of a master plan. I grabbed the nearest pair of scissors, an excellent bottle of wine, an empty tissue box and a deck of cards. With those few household items, I managed to get my crosswords done. First I took the scissors and quickly cut those helpless puzzles out of that paper. Fuck the news! Fuck the special interest articles! Fuck the coupons! Desperate times called for desperate measures! The rest of the paper was expendable! So I strategically laid the remaining sections into two piles on the kitchen floor, fully knowing each cat would be compelled to stake their claim. Once the cats were settled in, I poured the wine into a glass and gently placed it down next to my husband's computer, way off in the other room. He immediately took the bait. Next, I took half the deck of cards and the empty tissue box. I waited until I got the kid's attention, then I started dropping the cards into the tissue box one by one. With each card I dropped, I slowly took another step backwards until I was in front of the computer and wine glass. I then threw down the box and escaped as fast as I could back to kitchen. Voila! A whole hour and 14 minutes to myself! Puzzles solved.

Now, if I could find a way to stop turning my relaxation rituals into sources of angst and self loathing, that'd be something to make even Houdini proud.

In yesterday's post I talked about my having to eat crow over things I have said and done in the past before I had a child.  I am sure there is not one parent out there who has escaped this ever so humbling occurrence. Still, I feel confident that I could probably win a crow eating contest for the amount of it I have been forced to shove down my throat in just one short year. I use to really dislike children. Well, not children in general, per se, just the stuff that sort of went along with them. It's actually quite an easy misunderstanding to make when you are childless. Without the daily joys and rewards, you tend to only notice the headaches and struggles. So, yeah two years ago, I would have be thoroughly annoyed with anyone who remotely resembled what I do now.  And believe me, I have many friends who are gracious enough to point this out to me ad nauseum. I am constantly being reminded about all the lovely things I have said, failed to say or shouldn't have said at all. Although, I have to admit, no one ever gave me the wait-until-you-have-kids bit. But, that is probably because they never thought (or hoped) I would!

And I have changed my tune, to put it mildly. As this blog clearly states, I have become very momish in my ways. I even shock myself now and then. Having a child has made me view the world a different way, look at the future from a radically different perspective and focus on each day with a minute intensity. Still, there are just some things about me that remain the same.  For example, even though I am a mommy now myself, I still think this is hilarious.  In a way, it makes sense, since I have been an animal lover and especially a cat person my whole life, yet the first time I read this I nearly peed my pants. Kid or no kid, my sense of humor is still just as twisted as ever.